Jan 14, 2009

Am I not a man, brother?

Look, I'm no burly man type man. Ferchristsakes I'm an epileptic Jew from Manhattan. I can't drive a stick shift and can't really throw a football. But a real man still I am. Because there are other basic man things that you can know or do that make u certifiable. Let's delve deeper...

The only way of being a man is to have girls think of you as a man. It's intangible in a girls mind so you can't know for yourself, there is no man-dar. But by using your powers of deductive reasoning you can figure out how she feels, even if she won't divulge it. Here's a good method: You're laying in bed, watching Future Weapons or ATHF or Wings of the Luftwaffe, any shit a girl has no interest in. So you're watching your show and she's curled up on you head on your chest (muscular or flabby, hairy or bare, it doesn't matter) and she's not complaining about your show. She's bored to tears but it doesn't matter cuz her inner little girl is safe. She's just glad you're there. You know some man shit or did some man shit, so you deserve to control the remote. When the zombie apocalypse comes, she's definitely gonna call you first. Mazel tov you're a Man!

Take Woody Allen, whom I love but is further from manly as an insert metaphor. But he can get up on stage and be funny and bare his miserable soul. Balls that's all it takes him. He scored Mia Farrow AND her daughter. That's some man shit. So let's take you. You're a balding ectomorph with stage fright and clammy hands that can't throw or drive stick, oh and you're asthmatic.

The informational chart below will at least assure that the "Cooks meat" box is checked in "Man or Pussy" checklist. If Nate Silver were to assign weight to this item on the man spectrum, he'd give an 82. Which is equivalent to the importance of Pennsylvania going blue . If you're straight and you keep a live journal page or have an asymmetrical haircut, you should definitely bone up on this knowledge. It's easier than learning how to sail, and more convenient than driving stick.

So when she suggests the "let's cook dinner at home this Wednesday night", use this. It's way moar better than breaking out you're stupid chili recipe. Bitches see right through that crap, it's written on the goddamn McCormick seasoning package.

Get a cast iron pan, a rib eye, throw the pan in the oven, 500f, oil salt pepper, sear flip sear, 90 seconds, flip 90 seconds. Eat. She's totally wet for you, if not she's a vegan and you've got more problems than I can ever help you with.

I'll try and post more of this shit. Aside from the throwing and the stick shift thing I have also own a chihuahua and don't know what a carburetor is. But I'm doing well.

You're Lawrence Welkome fuckers:

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2 comments:

Woods said...

" So let's take you. You're a balding ectomorph with stage fright and clammy hands that can't throw or drive stick, oh and you're asthmatic. "

I'm not asthmatic.

ur doing it rong said...

Touché